Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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