apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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