well I can't set my house on fire every night
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
