I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
