i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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