my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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