That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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