im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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