My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
