I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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