Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she peed on how many people?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
