I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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