True but thats because hes a fetus.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
