I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
