you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
