i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
