This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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