Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
