Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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