i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
