So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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