Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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