I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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