i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
