The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
