I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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