Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
