The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
