I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
