I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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