I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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