I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
