there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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