By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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