Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
