Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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