You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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