And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
