remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
