is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
