Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
