the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
