found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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