as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
