It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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