I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
