Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
