He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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