she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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