Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I cannot find my penis.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
