New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
