I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize