paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
