my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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