my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
