PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
