Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My bed smells like the plague
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
