We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
