i already hear my dad disowning me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
