I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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