It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
