If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
