i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
