i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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