I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
