Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
