So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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