Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
