I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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