Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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