it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
