I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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