I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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