Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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