I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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