6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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