YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
