when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
