I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
