I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
