wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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