Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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